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Our close companions for over two decades, a person who's faced and conquered many hardships, her resilience is commendable. But, she's often caught off guard by others. Her partner left her, and it was an unexpected event. Many of her friends disappeared at that point, since they had been drawn to her husband. It shocked her deeply. She put in more effort in our friendship, probably realised more acutely the meaning of companionship.

The Pattern With Friends Drifting Away

In the time since, many of her friends have drifted apart leaving her sure why. The company she worked for became hostile, although she was very skilled at her work, and she left not understanding the reason for the change.

Present Situation

Recently, we have each stepped back from work and are seeing each other more, however, I feel the part I play in the relationship feels one-sided. I start topics of conversation but she shifts conversation onto what interests her. Politically, she expresses firm beliefs. My effort is to recommend double-checking information and different perspectives.

She is organizing a vacation to a nation I have traveled to many times even called home for a while. My intention was to provide advice, yet it was not welcomed. She purely solely sought my agreement with her decisions. I have come back from four weeks in that place she hopes to catch up, however, I hesitate.

Considering the Choices

I don't want to be a friend who abandons suddenly abruptly, yet I doubt she can comprehend the effect of her actions on my confidence. Right now, I am in avoidance mode. How should I proceed?

Potential Solutions

One option is to end things abruptly, however, that approach is rarely the peaceful resolution that we desire. However, addressing it aiming for working things out takes courage and willingness for each of you.

Therapists recommend applying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"The first step involves describing the usual pattern in your conversations. Aim for this to be as factual as possible like an unbiased account. Step two involves sharing her how it leaves you feeling. Ideally, there's no argument about this. Emotions are your feelings, naturally. Finally is to question ways you together can shift the dynamics between you."

Consider that she also has a point of view, thus requiring you to remain ready to hear that. One effective method involves stating to the other person:

"Please share your thoughts and I promise to remain silent for half an hour."

It's remarkably effective to encourage mutual respect.

Final Thoughts

This person could ignore all you say, for those who have a “survival narrative”: they rely on a narrative of their life they cannot abandon as it feels essential depends upon it and it's all they trust. This poses a challenge when there seems no clear path in such cases, only cul-de-sacs. Yet she could at first react defensively before reflecting your perspective. And even if you never reach an agreement, it provides peace from having been truthful.